they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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