doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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