I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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