I met the friendliest cop last night
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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