You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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