I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Randomize
