Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
