I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
