Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Randomize
