well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize