You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
