I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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