wanna go halves on a baby?
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
