i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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