You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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