i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
