i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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