I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
