checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
