he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
