I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
