It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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