Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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