How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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