John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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