Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
