i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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