I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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