You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
