i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
