my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
