I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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