So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it was like eating out sand paper
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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