My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
