My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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