I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
