That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
