Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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