i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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