When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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