I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
