My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
