I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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