I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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