Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
