the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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