i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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