I skipped work to stalk him.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
