Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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