I wish I could teleport
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
