I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
