there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
