i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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