I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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