so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Randomize
